Artist Statement
As
an only daughter, heavily medicated since the age of six, I saw,
experienced, but never felt much of anything. The cold comfort of New
Jersey offered little condolence in the place of siblings I never had.
Itinerary consumed my being: taking up to seven different uppers and
downers each morning upon waking for the various conditions I was told I
possessed. My nature, as I knew it to be for most of my life, was
completely devoid of all meaning.
A
meek reflection of my former self, I was cast into the world deprived
of the very things that made me a person. Mechanisms that some would
describe as elation and joy, were absent, almost always followed with an
uncomfortable tingling sensation. In conjunction with this, I had been
written off as the resident ‘problem’ child; disconnected from those who
surrounded me. My biggest confidants, as it seemed, were the same
therapists and psychiatrists that wanted no more than to maintain a
client for the years to come in accordance with their own personal
incomes.
I
was a burden to my elders, the quintessential ‘weird kid’ of school,
and relied on technology, namely the internet, for much of my social
interaction. Offering a form of escape, video games became a coping
medium, a way for me to create an alternate universe for myself, in
hopes to avoid the physical realities that I could not bear with. It was
at this point that I fell into oblivion, and became enamored with
color. The radiant hues which presented themselves to me in game
communicated that there was optimism for my real life situation. This
saturation grew more apparent each time I logged off my computer - seen
by all but often unappreciated by the anthropological eye.
Taking
control, photography served as a vessel of expression. In recollection
of my past, a memorial to the asylums, doctor’s offices, psychiatric
wards and therapy sessions that unintentionally littered my upbringing, Head First
is my color project. This reference is deliberate; not only as a way to
make my account of this experience visual and visceral, but to
celebrate the clarity of my newfound freedom of thought. Absent of
medication for the first time in fifteen years, I have begun to feel and
understand what it truly means to be alive.
Though
these mental institutions had been abandoned for decades, something
strange happened when I photographed them for my series. I found warmth,
security, in the deserted and harrowing hallways. Amongst the decay
there was a familiarity present, and as it grew dark I felt little
opposition to leave. By choosing long exposures, exaggerated colors were
created, reflecting the interior life of my soul, existent then and now
echoed in my pictures.
Despite
times of absolute bleakness there was a light at the end of the tunnel;
a constant reminder of destiny. I found beauty amongst the chaos and
confusion of growing up alone; color seen at the end of a forbidding
maze of an institutional portal, just as it had beckoned to me.
Commotion, a constant premature focus of what was in my head, and not my
heart; this is head first.
Ali Baker
2012
